I baked some bread.

Now my arm hurts.

P.S Yeast always look like a science experiment, or a soviet era image of another planet.

Archaeopteryx has come for you all.

Snacking is my business, bitches.

A sure sign that I am growing increasingly bored at work as overseas looms closer and closer.

Dearest suppliers of impromptu refreshment

I am writing to you in relation to the nutritional supply robot located on the premises of Level 19 of Cellarmaster Wines. It is Machine number N441.

Whilst I may not have the official title of vending machine advisor bestowed upon me, I believe I speak for the hungry consumer… the real voice of the people.

There is only one row of Pretzels available, yet they sell out within days, sometimes hours after replenishment. They are clearly the most popular choice of refreshment. “The pretzels are here!” I hear hungry voices echo along the hallways of snack-related discontent. The sorrowful looks of those who miss out on their availing harkens back to looks of desperation of those who missed out on food stamps during the Great Depression, Mach 1.

This brings me to the issue of products that aren’t available in your machine. Cherryripe, Bounty and Malteasers are phrases I often hear called out in despair and amazement of their absence from your selections. Some consideration might be in your best interest. Along these lines there is an entire row of unfilled spots located towards the bottom of the machine itself. Why not put these products in this place? No harm, no chocolate-covered foul.

The array of shaped gelatinous fruit substitutes is fantastic but maybe a little large. The packets are standard, family sized packets, and whilst we at this company think like a family, we do not dine as one. I have seen similar machines with much smaller similar products. Can we possibly usurp some of these? The joy they could bring would be akin to that of my first jaunt around the yard in a penny-farthing.

Whilst a lot of this might sound like misdirected grievance, I should mention that I myself, and others are very pleased with the placement of the Red Rock Deli and Grain Waves chips. The Lime & Cracked Pepper is a real hit, and seems to inspire an almost ethereal level of happiness. I think it’s the lime!

I appreciate the time it has taken to read this response, and whilst I realise that malteasers do not coat themselves in molten chocolate, I hope to hear back from you soon.

Your pal,

Anthony.

The A - Z of Animals you can eat and how.

L is for Lama!

EAT THE FOOD! EAT THE FOOD!

The Other, Other Burger - seasoned llama delivers a fresh taste for burgers!

* 1 pound ground llama
* 1 teaspoon pepper
* 1 case Yakima Honey Weis beer

Divide llama into two parts and shape into patties about 2 inches thick, handling meat as much as possible. Sprinkle both sides of patties with seasoned pepper and then dunk in 1 can of beer that you already put in a bowl. Grill over direct heat over hot fire 20 minutes per side, or until charred. Serve right away on buns with favorite condiments and glasses of beer

Umm.. "handling meat as much as possible". NO MEAT TOUCHING!

The A - Z of Animals you can eat and how.

K is for Koi!

Koi Fish Tacos

Ingredients

* 1 lime, juiced
* 1 tablespoon tequila
* 1 teaspoon ground cumin
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon black pepper
* 12 ounces cod or firm white fish, cut in 1-inch pieces
* 16 (8-inch) corn tortillas
* Canola oil
* 4 ounces tempura flour
* 8 ounces prepared tempura batter made with cold water
* 6 ounces panko bread crumbs
* 1 cup shredded white cabbage
* 1/2 cup shredded red cabbage
* 3 tablespoons chopped cilantro leaves
* 1/4 cup very thinly sliced red onion

Directions

In medium bowl, combine lime juice, tequila, cumin, salt, and pepper; mix thoroughly. Add the fish and toss to coat. Marinate for 10 minutes.

Warm tortillas on grill or pan. Cover with a towel to keep warm.

In a medium Dutch oven, heat the canola oil to 350 degrees F.

Remove fish from marinade, shake off excess, dredge in tempura flour, and dunk in cold tempura mixed batter. Roll in panko bread crumbs, pressing panko onto fish. One by one add fish to oil, making sure to keep the fish pieces separated. Fry for 4 to 5 minutes, or until light golden brown. Remove and drain on paper towels.

Mix cabbage, cilantro and onion. Stack 2 tortillas; place 1/8th of fish on top of each, and top with cabbage mixture, Pico de Gallo, and Tequila Lime Aioli. Serve immediately.
Pico de Gallo:

* 4 Roma tomatoes, diced
* 2 tablespoons chopped cilantro leaves
* 1/2 red onion, minced
* 1 teaspoon minced garlic
* 1 jalapeno, seeded and minced
* 1 lime, juiced
* Salt and pepper

In a bowl, mix all ingredients, season with salt and pepper and refrigerate for 1 hour for flavors to meld.
Tequila Lime Aioli:

* 3 tablespoons premium tequila
* 1 lime, juiced
* 8 ounces sour cream
* 1/4 cup milk
* 2 teaspoons minced garlic
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
* 2 tablespoons minced cilantro leaves
* Salt and pepper

In small bowl, combine all ingredients and chill for 1 hour. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

Also here are some rad dudes I hung out with:

The A - Z of Animals you can eat and how.

J is for Jellyfish!

I am illogically scared of certain sea creatures. So much so that I avoid eating alot of them for fear of the wrath of their friends.

Sesame Jellyfish

Ingredients

* 1/2 lb jellyfish
* 2 teaspoons light soy sauce
* 3 tablespoons sesame oil
* 2 teaspoons Chinese white rice vinegar
* 2 teaspoons sugar
* 3 tablespoons sesame seeds

Directions

1 Prep jellyfish:
2 Rinse very well in cold water and drain. Put in a stainless steel bowl and cover with boiling water for 15 minutes or until tender. Then drain rinse with cold water for 6 minutes. If you are not using the jelly fish right away, you can soak in the frigde, but change the water ever hour or so. Drain thoroughly and blot dry with paper towel.
3 Mix soy sauce, sesame oil, vinegar, and sugar in a small bowl.
4 Let sit 30 minutes.
5 Just before serving, garnish with sesame seeds.
6 You may heat this recipe if you like; just stir fry it in a wok about 3 minutes, but it is best served cold.