Snacking is my business, bitches.

A sure sign that I am growing increasingly bored at work as overseas looms closer and closer.

Dearest suppliers of impromptu refreshment

I am writing to you in relation to the nutritional supply robot located on the premises of Level 19 of Cellarmaster Wines. It is Machine number N441.

Whilst I may not have the official title of vending machine advisor bestowed upon me, I believe I speak for the hungry consumer… the real voice of the people.

There is only one row of Pretzels available, yet they sell out within days, sometimes hours after replenishment. They are clearly the most popular choice of refreshment. “The pretzels are here!” I hear hungry voices echo along the hallways of snack-related discontent. The sorrowful looks of those who miss out on their availing harkens back to looks of desperation of those who missed out on food stamps during the Great Depression, Mach 1.

This brings me to the issue of products that aren’t available in your machine. Cherryripe, Bounty and Malteasers are phrases I often hear called out in despair and amazement of their absence from your selections. Some consideration might be in your best interest. Along these lines there is an entire row of unfilled spots located towards the bottom of the machine itself. Why not put these products in this place? No harm, no chocolate-covered foul.

The array of shaped gelatinous fruit substitutes is fantastic but maybe a little large. The packets are standard, family sized packets, and whilst we at this company think like a family, we do not dine as one. I have seen similar machines with much smaller similar products. Can we possibly usurp some of these? The joy they could bring would be akin to that of my first jaunt around the yard in a penny-farthing.

Whilst a lot of this might sound like misdirected grievance, I should mention that I myself, and others are very pleased with the placement of the Red Rock Deli and Grain Waves chips. The Lime & Cracked Pepper is a real hit, and seems to inspire an almost ethereal level of happiness. I think it’s the lime!

I appreciate the time it has taken to read this response, and whilst I realise that malteasers do not coat themselves in molten chocolate, I hope to hear back from you soon.

Your pal,

Anthony.