Like pretty much everybody I went to 'University' with, I work as a skillless call centre drone. Every so often something happens to brighten up my day. The following are genuine e-mails recieved by the e-commerce team at the company that I work for. If the Irish fellow is not available for Prime Minister, please elect this fellow:
Dear Sirs/Madams (Sirs, I hope)
I recently availed myself of your Wine and Beer offer.
As I am unaccustomed to fermented grape juice I have a quick question.
How is the product ingested? Orally? Nasally? Anally?
I require your discretion as my wife is currently a replicant.
Marshmallow triangles,
Professor Muller.
It seems that the good Professor could not wait to hear back from us during out busiest time of the year and decided to write again hours later!
Dearest Friends,
I do hope I am not moving too quickly in referring to you as friends.
I have discovered over lunch that nasally is most certainly an incorrect method of ingestion of your product. Oh my did I make a mess. Luckily my carpet is red anyway.
I have done some research on your beverage electronically and learnt of its oral consumption. I was perplexed by the fact that Wine has apparently been around for centuries yet I have only just learnt of its existence. Do you have a patent on its design?
I hope future customers who have queries such as myself can learn from the error of my ways and not cause such permanent damage to their sinuses in the process.
I am currently preparing for a sabbatical sojourn into the unknown where I will tinker with my time machine and enjoy the Antarctic White when I arrive. I will write to you yesterday.
In addition, can I organise personalised labelling through your company? I have a few ideas. I will email them through as they come to fruition. I would like to send some as gifts in the New Year.
Mechanised Pencil Cups,
Professor Muller.
Which of course prompted our immediate attention..
Dear Professor Muller,
Thank you kindly for your emails and for keeping us up to date with your new found wine experiences.
We are glad to hear that you are enjoying your order.
Indeed, we do not recommend ingestion of our products nasally (as you have since found out), nor for that matter anally, as while we are not sure if it has ever been attempted before, we presume it could do some serious damage.
Please feel free to keep us up to date with the rest of your adventures.
Kind regards,
Chris Long
Member Services
And a very prompt response
Dearest Mr Long,
How are your shoes? Dry and sufficiently laced I trust!
This morning during my daily exercises (I run around the living room in concentric circles for several hours) I filled my refreshment receptacle with your Amberton Lizard Shiraz Grenache. A taste explosion! It made a refreshing change from my regular choice of beverage, Molasses and Milk.
I have just been browsing your website and have a query about a wine I am considering purchasing. Does http://www.cellarmasters.com.au/tastingnote.aspx?offerproductid=3925305 come in a bottle with a puse or calico trapezoid by any chance? I am allergic to off-centre yellow rhombuses and often break out in Tourettes.
Further to my previous query regarding personalised wine labels is it possible for you to organise a hologram of myself to appear when my nephew Norbert opens the wine? He does so love holograms. However my brother Tobias is slightly more old fashioned than I and has raised the boy to not speak or read traditional English. I trust you are as well versed in Runic script as I?
I have also noticed that your website provides "Tasting Notes" and "Food Matches". I am going camping soon. What do you suggest to be consumed with Roasted Pinecones?
Raccoon umbrellas,
Professor Muller.
What. The. Fuck. I think I'm in love...
Dearest responders of textual enquiry,
I feel that as you were privy to my creation of my time machine yesterday I should keep you informed of what is going on, because I can only imagine you hardly slept last night wondering which Baroque period banquet I was attending or just how much fun it really is to ride a dinosaur.
At approximately 11.50pm yesterday evening after my standard dinner of marinated toast I headed downstairs to stairs to venture into the unknown, or known but poorly documented.
I built the time machine around an old deck chair as I wanted assurance that I would arrive at any juncture of time with maximum comfort and a drink holder. As the LED lights flickered and the Garfield electric toothbrush I stole from my son to use for parts buzzed I awaited the next moment gleefully. The engine purred, then it roared, then it spluttered, then it exploded. As it did so, the chair lept a good foot off the ground. I checked the clock, 10.50pm. Success! Whilst it was only a small change progress was made and my dinner still uneaten!
I bounded upstairs eager to find my wife and possibly even an alternate reality version of myself (whom I envisage as having a Moustache). Only to find my dinner eaten, my wife robed in her teal Mumu, and still refusing acknowledge questions in binary even though she is most definitely a replicant.
I gasped whilst I contemplated the possibilities of this new reality where I dined an hour earlier than usual. Why? I scrambled for answers in the instruction manual I had written for myself. I called the help number but it was engaged due to the fact that it was my number. I turned to my wife for answers and they lept forth. I hadn't adjusted the clock in the basement for daylight savings time.
I will keep you posted about my next experiment,
Waffle haberdashery,
Professor Muller.
PS I have discovered that your wine makes a fantastic substitute for bath water! Please inform your customers post-haste!
I will make posting any future correspondence a top priority...!
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